Let me just cut right to the chase, the iPee iPhone app saved my life.

I work very hard as a Wal-Mart greeter. After being verbally and physically assulted by a roving group of tween girl scouts I was left a hallow shell of a man. The biggest damage to me was psychological, which is hard to believe considering that I am a Scientologist, but I've come to accept and understand the damage to my mind. I could no longer urinate. Not just in public restrooms either. When I try to use the hole I dug in my back lot outside of my shed I cannot even get a trickle. My wife left me, she said a real man can cover our dirt lawn in urine whenever the mood struck him.

I started loosing teeth, my hair on my head but regrowing it on my back and worst of all the built up urine started to appear as boils on my face.

Then one night Jesus came to me in a lifted pick up truck and gave me his magical iPhone with iPee installed. With this application I was able to virtually urinate. After training myself to digitally pee I finally graduated up to using my penis again. When I was able to release my little yellow pants army for the first time in seven months a gaffle of angels appeared and the leader walked out dressed in leather pants and rocking the most bitchin' mullet I've ever seen. He starts belting out Freebird on his flying-V guitar. From then on, my life has forever changed.

Now I can attract all the honeys at my local Wal-Mart, I have a tribal tattoo and have moved from greeter to night security. Nobody messes with this man and his large, black flashlight.

Now when I make love to my new 16 year old wife she orgasms so hard she forgets her name or where she is for a good half hour.

Thank you Jesus and thank you iPee. I am now getting iPee tattooed across my neck and an iPhone inserted into my chest.